Little Elm

1 Year Old

Dear Elm,

Somehow I blinked and you are now a little girl.  A walking, talking, animated, game-playing, laughing, hugging, kissing, sweet as sweet can be little girl.  Everywhere we go and anyone we meet describes you with one word - happy.  I truly hope that is how people will describe you for the rest of your life. 

This has been a life changing year.  You have taken me away from the sea of chaos and let me see the world with new lenses.  A softer, slower, more beautiful world.  I thank you for that. 

I am so happy that I have come here to this space to breath and think about this crazy experience of motherhood.  I hope you enjoy reading the entries from your first year of life when you are older and maybe even when you become a mother.  If we could freeze time right now at this age and pause for a while, I would take it in an instant.   You are curious, fun and a pleasure to be around.  Like the book we read almost every day, little elm, I love you through and through.  

Here is a little video montage of your first year.  There are people missing from it that have been a big part of your life so far but we had to protect their privacy because they are little babies :-)  The song has no specific significance and really isn't about babies or love at all. I actually think I have read it is about the world coming to and end or something tragic like that.  It is though, raw and beautiful and that is what this first year has felt like for me. 

xo

Love Mummy

Little Elm turns One from Kristen Morris on Vimeo.

11 months old

Dear Elm,

As the soft, low light shines down and all around us the leaves show their first hints of transformation, I pull you close and breathe you in.  Your soft hair that has grown and grown, your tiny little fingers caress my face, your eyes looking up at me, wondering what is next.  I pull all of it toward my heart and wish time could stand still and we could live in this happy bubble forever.  A life where there is no place to rush to, nobody else's rules or hours to live by.  No real stress from the outside world pushing in on us.  I am realizing more and more each day how grateful I am to have this pocket of time in the bubble and can see it becoming smaller as time goes on, the light of what is to come shining in on us.  Blindingly leading us toward what the second chapter in our life with you will look like. 

You have become a pointer.  I love how it helps us communicate.  I know now when you would like your water, or that you do see that squirrel racing up the tree.  It is like an invitation into your beautiful mind.  Your language skills continue to amaze me, with the ability it seems, to almost say any word you hear but instead you select which ones you would like to practice.  Clock is your word today.  You point at it when I ask you where it is and then you can say it almost perfectly.  It is strange, almost eerie that of all the words there are, you are picking this one.  As if to remind me that our time like this, where we can spend each moment together, is limited. 

I want to thank you this month for all the treasures you have allowed me to welcome into my life for the last 11 months.  Seeing all of our family members in their roles as father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins has been such a delight.  You have changed them all.  Their love will lift you through your life.  My relationships with my friends, evolving as we swap baby tips and tricks or with those without babies or babies on the way, a new way in which they see my life and relate to me.  You have given me this amazing opportunity to embrace the community and friendship of Erin, Anna and Joanna among other amazing moms that I have met along the way.  Erin, a much better version of me is what comes to mind. Someone who makes me want to try harder at everything, mommyhood and beyond.  Anna, a woman who although is younger than me seems to have such confidence about her, especially as a mom.  She has brought a lot of laughter to our group.  Joanna, cool as a cucumber.  Although, like all of us, she worries if what she is doing is good enough or the 'right' thing, she rolls with it, makes me question my rigidity about routines and such, as her approach is different but has gotten her the same result, a happy healthy baby.  All these woman have had a hand in raising you too, among our family and close friends.  It really does take a village.  I can only hope we stay in touch as we all go off in different directions in the coming months.

At this time last year, Little Elm, we were so close to meeting one another and the anticipation was great.  Now, almost a year later a different kind of anticipation is growing.  One where we will exist in quite a different way.  Where you will go off as an individual on a path of your own, away from the cape of my protection.  In the meantime, I will take as many kisses and cuddles and morsels of you as I can that I will savour and will have to sustain me for the year to come. 

I love you more than I ever thought I could.

xoxo

Love Mummy

10 months old

Dear Elm,

Wow, double digits! Although it feels like we have lived a lifetime in the last few months, I also can't believe just how quickly you are approaching your first birthday! You are such a happy little girl.  I call you little girl because that is exactly what if feels like you are becoming.  My baby is gone and has been replaced with this tiny person who claps with glee, waves at everything from people to trees, has two little teeth on the bottom, would rather walk (assisted) then do just about anything and understands so much of what I say.  I say 'let's look out the window', you stop and look out the window, I say 'let's play with your toys', you stop and go toward the toys.  It is amazing to know you understand me.  I can't wait to understand you better.  You are trying out a lot of new words, grandpa, grandma, cat, but none of them have stuck yet. 

My sweet little elm you have been through a lot of change in the last month and you did so well with it.  You lived with Grandma and Grandpa for a week while Daddy was having his brain surgery in Toronto and you were such a good girl.  We skyped with you for the first time and you seemed to like it.  Thank you for being such a perfect little girl while we were away. I will never forget your reaction when I walked back in the door.  Overwhelmed elation is how I would best describe it.  It felt so good.

You are a bit of a fussy eater.  You like a lot of things but your first instinct is to refuse them until I convince you that you love it.  Except for cookies and puffs! You start screaming with excitement when I mention either of these words.  What you don't know if that they are both just various forms of rice.  I have a feeling you will realize this eventually and your excitement will wane. 

You like to be silly and know when you are.  You are especially fond of roaring and charging like a tiger right now.  This picture above is you making your scrunched up tiger face while standing up in your crib.  Now that's a face I can't resist. 

You have welcomed a new cousin into your life this past month.  I think the two of you will be friends for life.  I can't wait to see you both grow and play together.  The day after I was able to hold RW and remember all those newborn lovelies you let me rock you and hold you for over an hour the next day almost knowing that that is what I needed from you.

At this exact moment if I had to guess what you are going to be when you grow up it would be a singer or engineer.  You're always singing your own versions of the songs we listen to mostly with grunts and bopping your body to the beat.  Engineer is a probability because you examine everything I put in front of you so closely and pick it apart to figure it out, even your morning toast.

Love you, love you my heart melting delight!

xo

Mummy

p.s. I think for the sake of saving everything from this past year in one place, I am going to stay with typepad instead of my other blog I had just started in wordpress.  Sorry for moving back and forth. 

9 months old ~ Guest Blog by dadda

elm showing off her pretty dress with mumma holding her up 

Little Elm,

Today you are three quarters of a year old.  You have been living on your own for as long as you spent living inside of Mumma.  Here’s what I think of you.

You are the best.  You really are a perfect human being and the most beautiful creature on this planet.  I can’t believe how lucky we are to have you.  I’m not sure that people understand when I tell them that when I look at you, I see a perfect masterpiece of art moving around in our house.  My brain is not capable of imagining anything better than your perfect face.

What I have to say next is probably how all parents feel, but I’m going to say it anyway.  I am in this strange position.  I am just wishing time would fly by faster because I can’t wait to watch your personality develop, and have conversations with you, and see what kind of music you like, and watch you hanging out with friends, … and at the same time, I so desperately want to hold on to this time with you.  I feel like it’s all moving too quickly! No, it doesn’t make sense, I know, I know.  You’ll feel the same things when you have a baby.  Maybe by then someone will invent the Time Remote Control, so that we can fast forward and rewind and pause as we like.

Anyway, most of the time I am just happy to be here with you now and watch you unfold in your own time like a beautiful and engaging story.  Some parts of the story are slow and some are fast, but with every perfect sentence, new and exciting ideas and happenings are drawn out.  Subtle differences in the way you move your hands bring new characters and story-lines.  Stumbling steps become major plot changes.  Fluent non-words like “aggle addle dalla” become love poems sung by peasants.  The entire landscape shifts when a new word appears.

Enough.  Clearly we are sickeningly in love with you.

It will be a long time before you can read this, and much longer before you understand it.  In the meantime, we will love you and you will grow.

Love,
Dadda

8 months old

Dear Elm,

Your smile lights up a room and your eyes twinkle like your daddy's. 

You are very generous with your kisses.  Big wet smooches for all, even the babies in your books and some of the animals.

You love standing up in your crib when you wake up in the morning, with help of course.  You beam with pride and look up and back at your mobile.  We then have to lift you up so you can touch the bunnies and lambs for yourself. 

You love to shake your head 'no', even though you don't know what no means yet.  You just must like the way it feels to move in directions you haven't before.  You also love experimenting with your voice, whether it be the smallest whisper when you are practising new letters or little happy shrieks out of no where.  Simon is often startled by these! 

You still love all dogs and cats but Buddy is by far your favourite animal pal.  Grandpa Sills even taught you how to toss the ball so Buddy would go catch it and bring it back.  You can point out dogs and kitty cats in books as well as strawberries, balls, monkeys, apples and sometimes the colour yellow. 

I love to cuddle with you in the morning after you have your bottle and you're a bit floppy still. 

I love how you are so intrigued by the instructors voices at our exercise / massage class and our mother goose class.  You tilt your head as far as it can go to see them if they are out of view. 

We did our first art project together at Crockadoodle this month.  We made you a pretty princess plate and your footprint is on the back.  Erin wrote in your name and age for us because she has nicer handwriting.  Baby S and I and Little E all had fun working with their mommies to make cute things.  We hope to bring you all back when you are older so we can watch you make things on your own. 

Your daddy and I just love every second we get to spend with you, taking walks, reading to you, playing in the tub (you splash daddy a lot now) and just rolling around on the ground with you.  You still make the funniest faces we've ever seen.

love you,

xo

mummy

dear elm ~a special mother's day edition~

what greeted me after my breakfast in bed 

then i went down to a transformed living room to an enchanted garden where i went on a scavenger hunt for presents 

daddy and elm still in the festive spirit 

dear elm,

on this, my very first mother's day i am feeling so grateful.  you have opened up a whole new world for me.  i have loved deeply before you but am now so much more permeable.  a new breadth of emotions you have provided me with.  

we have hard, messy, gritty days mixed in between the sublime but that is the true beauty of it.  you are teaching me, with each moment we spend together, to push myself beyond what i thought i could be. for you.  for daddy.  for me. 

you have allowed me, with your birth, to have this year away from the hussle and bussle of the 'working world' to step back and see it all from afar and help me reevaluate what is important, what is worth getting excited about or stressed about.  a clarity that without being away from it, without being outside of the bubble, i couldn't have seen.   

your presence has pushed us into a wonderful world of new friends and activities.  interesting, wonderful women who i share this gift of a year with and who i learn from everyday. 

as much as i was already convinced your daddy was the most perfect compliment to my life, each day you are with us i can see so many more layers to him that amaze me and make me fall in love with him over and over again.  to see him in this new role, daddy, has been such a special experience.  his little kisses can make you fall into a deep calm.  his crazy dancing can make you laugh out loud. 

to see grandpa ron reading you a book, see grandma holding you or grandpa sills playing with you and buddy is all such a treat.  each relationship you develop with the people i already love cements us as a family even more. 

i couldn't have asked for a better more lovely gift today than you, sweet elm.  i want to try to slow down between now and the next mother's day, watch you in each moment we create, cherishing all that you have and continue to give me.

xo

love mummy

7 months old

 
getting messy with sweet potatoes 

dear elm,

you continue to amaze me my sweet elm.  over the last month it really set in that you are a little individual not just an extension of me.  you have your own little personality, your own needs and wants and the cutest little voice i've ever heard.  i can already feel your kindness. 

on april 7th, you said the best word i will ever hear dance in my ears.  you said mama!! you seem to prefer mum but say both often.  somehow it has made me feel even more connected to you and i didn't think i could feel ever more love for you.  it makes me feel like you feel the same way about me that i feel about you.  all those sleepless nights, worth it.  all the aches and pains of pregnancy, worth it.  i am your mama and you know it. (daddy is now trying to discourage you from saying it and hoping you replace it with dada...which i am sure will come soon)

you weigh 18.4 lbs now and are 28".  you are such a long baby! It is hard to do some of the exercises in our classes because of your long legs.  we are taking a baby exercise and massage class, a baby yoga class and a mother goose class at the library.  on top of that we usually meet up with your old friends from our mommy and baby class once a week.  we are busy bees.  little E and baby girl S are your constant companions. 

you are still loving to eat and have accepted everything we have served you except for avocados, which you made a face of disgust for and held your lips tightly together after your first bite.  an acquired taste i guess.  you really like to drink water now, mostly when i give you sips out of a cup.

you are continuing to get better at standing and people who see you often say that you are going to walk early which terrifies me.  time to baby proof the house! 

you love to give people big wet smooches where you pull their hair to draw them in and then proceed to slobber on their face.  auntie heather needed a towel just to dry off after all of your lovely kisses. 

i love seeing your smile each time your daddy comes into the room or gets home from work.  you get really excited, probably because you know that the fun really begins when he gets home.  he always finds new and interesting ways to make you laugh, including popping the bathtub plug off your stomach.  it makes a big 'pop' sound that you love.

i am so happy that the sun is out more often now and we can soak it in and sit among the grass and dandelions.  we are going to have a fun summer together.  i love you so much!

here are a few videos too!

Rolling http://vimeo.com/11219879

Experimenting with your newest babbling and having fun with daddy http://vimeo.com/11220281

xo

love mummy

6 months old

dear elm,

6 months ago today, at the time i am writing this post, i had no idea how profoundly my life was going to change.  when i was pregnant i often thought about when 'the baby' is six months... and well, now it is here.  i am thankful that i have 5 extra weeks of my mat leave so that i don't have to think that it is half over just yet.

your personality is truly emerging now! over the last month you seem more like my little girl than my little baby.  you love to  bury your head in my arm or chest and then quickly look up at me and smile coyly.  when i try new clothes on you, you somehow know they are new and almost model them for whoever is around.  you sit up all by yourself and are obsessed with doing raspberries, happy raspberries, goofy raspberries and very angry crying mixed in with raspberries, which i can tell you elm, makes it hard to take you seriously. 

the biggest change in your life in the last week or so is that you are eating actual food.  rice cereal, oatmeal cereal and today you started eating your first vegetable, acorn squash.  you really like food and now i feel guilty as you eye my lunch or snack.  it has also allowed you to sleep through the night which has been quite nice.  i still have to get up and stick your soother in a few times or at least once a night and we haven't quite gotten rid of the dream feed yet but basically you go to sleep at 7 pm and don't get out of bed until 7 am...except when daddy picks you up out of the crib for about 15 minutes during the dream feed.  the sleep deprivation has not worn off yet and my brain not fully functional but this is a great start. 

you seem to love animals but have a special place in your heart for dogs.  you get so excited to pet them and could just sit there and watch them for ages.  you have become interested in simon now too but he isn't always as easy to pet as a dog. 

right now my favourite part of the day is right before your bath time when you are free from your clothes and diaper and daddy flies you around the house and you fly toward me for a kiss, which always makes you laugh really hard, and then you remain airborne until daddy lands you in the bath.  i then take a breather as i listen to you and daddy in the background splashing around and laughing. 

it is your grandma morris' birthday today elm.  she would have been 66.  you would have made her laugh so hard, i just know it.  i think she would have been particularly fond of your goofy raspberry.  you do something with your eyes when you are doing that one that is similar to an expression she made sometimes.

i love you with all my heart my dear, sweet, little elm.  i am doing my best to bring you out into this world to see the season change, see other babies grow and play and feel the warm sun on your body. 

xo

love mummy

5 months old

dear elm,

this morning i brought you in bed with me because you were having troubles sleeping and it was only 5 am.  i held you close in my arm and felt your breath against my neck as you slipped back into slumber.  we laid there, the three of us, you, me and daddy and it felt like this sacred space in time. 

you have changed everything.  we are no longer kristen and jay, we are kristen, jay and elm.  i never want to forget how grateful i am that we were able to bring you into this world and that you are happy and healthy. 

it has been quite the month.  baby yoga each week, lots of play dates and new pals for you to get to know.  we just started a mommy / baby group today as well.  it may prove to be interesting.  you make all of these things easy for us because you are calm and happy for the most part.  if we do one too many 'corkscrews' at yoga sometimes we have to retreat to the back of the room for a bit and i get to rock you and cheer you up.  you seem to like the other babies you meet and often smile at them.  it has been great for me to be able to watch them grow each week too.  all these little personalities developing before my eyes. 

you have rolled from your stomach to your back one way now and can really laugh.  daddy and i love to make you laugh and when people heard you could they all took turns coming over to see it for themselves.  sometimes you and i like to leave messages of you laughing for people, especially on daddy's work voicemail.  you have found your feet and are still extremely obsessed with putting anything you can get into your mouth.  you have had your first cold now.  you have graduated from a swaddle to a sleep sack at night.  it seems to be working but you still don't sleep for quite as long as we would like.   we started 'dream feeding' you in order to get a bit more sleep.  usually daddy sneaks in a few hours after we have put you to bed and softly lifts you from the crib and puts the bottle in your mouth and you take it from there.  once he puts you back down it is almost like it never happened, except we get to sleep longer.  he loves that the 'dream feed' is his thing and so does mummy.

you continue to light up our life and each day we learn just a bit more about who you are and what you like.  as i was rocking you earlier today, i risked waking you (even though i was very tired) to kiss your forehead because you are just so irresistible.  i can't soak up enough of your love.

love you,

mummy

4 months old

little elm rolling on her side to get her bear stuart ~ 4 months 

dear elm,

i write this as you are taking a nap.  you nap regularly now and i'm so impressed with the way you can be put down in the crib awake and by the time the mobile stops you are in a deep sleep.  amazing! you have become less of a baby and more of a little girl over the past month.  you are so long that your feet hit the sides of the glider when i try to rock you.  we go to the doctor's next week so we will soon know exactly how much you weight and how long you are.  i'm guessing around 14 lbs. 

you are able to hold your head up now, on your tummy and when we are holding you.  you love standing strong on your legs and taking in the world around you. 

throughout the last month you started sleeping as long as 8 hours and then you send mummy in a panic when you only sleep 4 hours.  i'm trying to understand your sleep habits and what you need. i've called in helpers.  the nights you don't sleep i am raw with emotion by the morning.  the nights you sleep in long stretches, i feel invincible.  your poor daddy never knows which of the two he is going to encounter by morning but somehow he always finds a way to make it better.

as the cold and snow have hit, it has been a bit harder being so isolated from the rest of the world.  we do get out, whether it is to do some errands or have a play date with E or your new first girlfriend sweet I, but some days feel a bit long and lonely.  i bundle you up and take you for walks when the weather permits and you usually drift off to sleep as the cold surrounds your cheeks and you breath in the crisp air. 

you make what the book says are 'wet razzing noises' with your tongue and have the cutest little laughs.  not quite giggles yet but lovely little laughs.  just yesterday, on your 4 month birthday you rolled from your back to your side to reach a duck book.  you seem to like the stereo mc's because you looked like you were dancing in your bumbo seat when i cranked up the song, get yourself connected.

this past month has been the hardest so far, which is strange because most people say that it is the first three months that are hard.  i try my best to entertain you and stimulate you throughout the day but sometimes we have gone through the whole circuit and it is only 2 pm.  the naps you take are helping us break up our day and have a reset button each time you get back up.  you have been a very fussy eater, pushing the bottle out of your mouth with your tongue half way through most bottles.  i think it is a phase and that you are almost over it.  you don't seem to love baths as much anymore either.  once and a while it is still the highlight of your day.

we had to leave you for a weekend during the last month and you stayed with grandma and grandpa.  you were such a good girl for them.  it was ridiculously hard to call and hear your little voice but not be able to hold you in my arms.  daddy and i both talked to you on the phone and grandpa says you were smiling when you heard our voices. 

little elm, after 4 months i still can't believe that i get to call you my own.  that i am a mother and jay is a dad.  that you are going to become a teenager and an adult and possibly a grandmother.  i want to try to relax into this role (as your mum) and be a bit more creative with it. 

love you,

mummy